You Had Meh At Hello

I'm a man in my 50s. I recently started seeing this fantastic lady. She's my ideal woman except for one small thing: There is no sexual chemistry. However, I don't plan on having more kids. Also, my body's slowing down, and sex just isn't at the top of my list anymore. I'm looking for my true best friend and partner. Still, without any real chemistry, is this relationship doomed?

--Seeking

Okay, so you feel sex isn't all that important to you now. Good to know...but not quite the same as donating a treasured artifact to the natural history museum -- with a plaque: "Harpoon for display purposes only." Your best friend whom you aren't attracted to and don't have sex with is -- wait for it -- your best friend. Sure, a relationship is a best friendship, but it's more. The sexual part of it -- sharing your body -- makes for a deeper level of intimacy than, say, "Want a bite of my Reuben?" Unlike checkers or "Words with Friends," sex isn't just an activity. It's an activity that causes biochemical reactions -- like a surge of the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin. Though the research on these is in its infancy in humans, they seem to act as a form of emotional glue in some mammals that have been studied -- in the wake of sex, causing little rodent-y things called prairie voles to velcro themselves to that special someone. As for this woman you've been seeing, think about how it must feel -- right from the start -- to have you about as sexually interested in her as you are in one of her end tables. Also consider that being in what sociologist Denise Donnelly calls an "involuntarily celibate relationship" -- wanting to have "shared erotic pleasure" (of some kind) but having a partner who refuses -- is extremely corrosive. Beyond leading to affairs in 26 percent of those surveyed, it led (predictably!) to sexual frustration (79 percent), feelings of rejection (23 percent), and depression (34 percent). But, whatever, right? I mean, BFFs forever! The thing is (assuming she isn't madly in love with you), if you two admit that the spark simply isn't there, you can still spend your lives together -- just not in the same bed. Better to celebrate your best-friendiversary than mourn on your anniversary -- that you still want your partner just as much as you used to, which is to say not in the slightest.