Wishful Stinking

You’ll think I'm making this up, but I haven't been kissed in four months -- my boyfriend goes right to the act. He claims my breath is bad, which apparently prevents him from doing anything resembling foreplay, like fondling and caressing. Most humiliatingly, he “forced” himself to kiss me one night by squirting cinnamon spray in his mouth before each kiss. In case he was right, I visited the dentist and told my doctor I had a problem and got a prescription acid blocker. Still nothing. I asked old boyfriends their honest opinion, and they all cheerfully volunteered to kiss me if he won't. Yes, I know sex can be sooo much better, but I’m tired of dating, and he does sweet things no other man has, like washing, waxing and gassing up my car, and taking amazing care of me when I’m sick. Still, I don’t want to go the rest of my life without being kissed.

--Showered With Disses

Some women do take payoffs -- free rent, free breasts, Sub-Zero refrigerators -- to stay in a less-than-ideal relationship. But, a wash, a wax, and a fill-up? Then again, gas prices being what they are, maybe you’re onto something. Let’s just hope you don’t drive a Honda Civic, or even an SUV pulling a houseboat, but something more along the lines of a logging truck towing the USS Nimitz. Yes, sex can be “sooo much better” -- with a boyfriend whose idea of foreplay isn’t watching you gargle Lysol Basin Tub & Tile Cleaner. Okay, so you’re only trying to make things work with this guy because you’re tired of dating. Tired of dating but bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for constant romantic humiliation? Wow, that’s tired, as in who was your first boyfriend, Ptolemy? A guy who cares about you makes you feel wanted, not wanted for a tongue swab by the CDC. Not only did that realization escape you, you were too busy getting makeout references from old boyfriends to ask how, exactly, your alleged trench mouth connects to the fact that the only headlights he’ll polish are on your car. Now, I get a lot of advice requests from people who love people who happen to smell. Most would rather fake their own kidnapping than risk destroying the person they love with the truth. This guy, on the other hand, doesn’t have a qualm in the world about whipping out the extra-extra-strength Binaca (now in new cinnamon napalm!) Sure, maybe you’ve had more than your share of dating horror stories (Ted Bundy showing up for drinks with a tarp and a shovel?), but you’re settling for a guy who’d rather degrade you into snorting acid blockers than admit to intimacy issues, weird sexual aversion(s), possible closethood, and/or fear of saliva. Perhaps what really stinks here is not your piehole but your judgment. It sounds like you’re committing what evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins (with T.R. Carlisle) dubbed “The Concorde Fallacy,” after the supersonic airliner the Brits and French continued building even when it became clear it would never earn back its costs. Apparently, humans have a tendency to stick with a bad investment based on how much they’ve already put in instead of assessing the likelihood of future returns. In other words, maybe you have better things to do than hang around in hopes Hazmat Boy will someday get into the kinky stuff; say, air kisses and the occasional shoulder squeeze? And no, I’m not talking about you lashing yourself to your car hood and seeing if you can sneak a rubdown.