Wishful Sinking

The girl I'm in love with has a boyfriend. She and I have already fooled around, but she can't bring herself to break up with this guy. She insists she doesn't want to lose me and promises we'll date eventually. I'm confused. Do you think she's playing me?

--Lost

It's nice to hope for the best about people -- but still put a note, "tofu-kelp casserole," on that foil-wrapped plate of brownies you stuck in the break room refrigerator. However, especially when our ego is involved, we're prone to believe the best about people, because of what psychologists call "optimism bias." This is a form of selecto-vision that leads us to overestimate that things will turn out wonderfully for us and underestimate the likelihood of our experiencing bad stuff, like being in a flaming car wreck or a flaming car wreck of a relationship. In short, we believe that bad things happen to other people. For example, that cheater we're in love with is only cheating because the other dude's such a fuckbuckle, not because she has the ethics of a dust mite. Because optimism bias is ego-protecting, understanding that we're susceptible to it typically isn't enough to dig ourselves out. What might help you, however, is telling yourself your story, but about some other girl and guy. Then advise that guy on his prospects. For example: Yes, here's a woman you can trust completely to be faithful -- whenever she's trapped, totally alone, 2,300 feet below ground in a Chilean coal mine.