Why Men Are Better Than Vibrators

I'm a young heterosexual guy. I don't have a problem getting it up or keeping it up. I'm just wondering whether you think Viagra can enhance me in any way. Can I last even longer with it?

--Loverboy

MOST WOMEN DO NOT measure a man's ability in bed with a stopwatch. If they did, you'd see a lot of women sharing candlelight dinners in romantic restaurants with their vibrators. "I'll have the sea bass, please," a woman would say to the waiter. "And three 'C' batteries for my date."

Dr. Eugene Fine, assistant clinical professor of urology at New York's Mt. Sinai Medical Center, concurs: "This guy isn't going to be a better lover by changing the chemical composition of his body." Dr. Fine confirmed that Viagra can allow some men to maintain an erection through multiple orgasms, but he stressed that "it's a prescription drug, with side effects, for people who have true erectile dysfunction. It's not meant to be the next Spanish Fly." In lieu of better living through chemistry, he suggests that you stop comparing time cards with the boys in the locker room and learn what really turns a woman on.

To do that, whip out your largest sex organ, which, except in the pinheaded, is said to be the brain. (You haven't lived until somebody's sucked your frontal lobe.) Use your brain to connect with a woman. Pay attention to her, let her know how much you appreciate her...and not just when you hope to get her naked. Show her, by example, all the areas in which her battery-powered joy-stick comes up short: It never laughs at her jokes. It doesn't stroke her hair, caress her cheek, hold her hand, look deeply into her eyes, or tell her that she's beautiful...(although a talking vibrator that sounds just like Barry White -- "Mmmmm, fine!" -- would probably make somebody a mint.)

There's no aphrodisiac like desiring and being desired. Show her that you're obsessed with her body...from her feet and inner elbows to the parts wrapped in small triangles of lingerie. Kiss. Tease. Nibble, then work up to a frenzy. Do not jam your tongue down her throat, no matter how tempted you are to test her gag reflex. Do not grab and yank parts of her body as if milking a heifer. Never, ever demonstrate your impression of a jackhammer. If you aren't sure what she likes, ask for guidance, but stop short of making her feel like an air-traffic controller helping a blind man land a plane. Opt for brief, definitive questions: Harder? Softer? Slower? Faster? Does that feel good? If you'd rather not ask aloud, pay attention to the sounds she makes and the look on her face: Is that pleasure incarnate, or the expression of a woman getting a root canal?

For further improvement of your sexual technique, get in touch with your body through yoga or martial arts. Investigate Tantric sex. Get sex tips by renting X-rated movies made to appeal to women. Read the Kama Sutra, which offers a number of non-prescription alternatives to Viagra. My favorite was the suggestion that a man secretly deposit ground-up monkey turd on his lover's head to make her his "devoted (sex) slave for life." Should you find monkey turd difficult to come by, I think an hour or so of regular foreplay would probably reserve your space at the restaurant table formerly occupied by Mr. Buzzy.