Who Will Stop The Wane?

I'm happily married. My wife is beautiful. She used to put a lot of effort into her appearance, but she now wears sweats and T-shirts everywhere and she never wears makeup or does her hair. I felt really bad about this on our recent date night, when she just put her hair in a ponytail and wore a slouchy army jacket. I want her to keep making an effort to put herself together for me. How can I offer her constructive criticism without making her mad?

--Bummed

You come up behind a ragged, disheveled person standing on the corner and put a dollar in the Starbucks cup they're holding -- and then you realize your error: "Oops! Hi, honey!" I suspect the term "constructive criticism" was coined by someone who went through life without ever encountering another human being. As I explain in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," here in the real world, "criticizing people doesn't make them change; it makes them want to clobber you." That's because our ancient fight-or-flight system is a little one-note -- juicing us to respond to a verbal attack as if it were an attack by some dude running at us with a bloody spear. So, though it isn't unreasonable to want your wife to make an effort on date night, you should focus on what you do want to see rather than what you don't. For example: "Honey, you're so beautiful, and when it's date night, it would make me so happy if you did your hair and wore a dress. And I'll wear whatever you want." And to get her to make more of an effort day to day: "I love you so much, and I want to be sure we keep the romance alive." Make clear that you aren't expecting her to do the dishes in an evening dress and a tiara. You'd just be thrilled if, from time to time, the thigh-highs could be fishnets instead of, well, hip waders.