Who'll Stop The Reign

Out of nowhere, a male friend started criticizing me, telling me that I need to change careers to make more money. He does have a successful business (started with seed money from his extremely wealthy family). But I didn't ask for his advice, and besides, I love my job, and I'm working on what I need to do to move forward. So I ended up snapping at him. He got mad and insisted that he just wants the best for me.

--Steamed

Criticizing someone does not make them want to change; it makes them want to google for listicles like "10 Foolproof Tricks For Getting Away with Murder." To understand your friend's spontaneous outburst of unsolicited advice, consider that human communication is strategic -- just like that of our earth-dwelling colleagues, from apes to insects. Honeybees, for example, do a little dance to tell their fellow bees where the nectar is; they don't just go all twerky for no reason. Back here in Humanland, evolutionary scientists Vladas Griskevicius and Douglas Kenrick find that seven "deep-seated evolutionary motives" -- emerging from survival and mating challenges our ancestors faced -- "continue to influence much modern behavior." These evolved motivations still driving us today are 1) evading physical harm, 2) avoiding disease, 3) making friends, 4) acquiring a mate, 5) keeping that mate, 6) caring for family, and -- ding-ding-ding! -- 7) attaining status. Yes, status. There's a good chance that a dispenser of unsolicited advice has the best of intentions -- like "I just want to help you...uh...help you (and others who hear about my help) think more highly of me!" (He then becomes the expert, the career seer, the swami of success.) But whatever this guy's motive, you have no obligation to donate your attention to his cause. The best time to set boundaries is before they're needed. Or needed again. Gently inform your friend that you truly appreciate his desire to help but the only advice that works for you is the solicited kind. Should he wish to, uh, solicit your solicitation, he can ask: "Would you be open to hearing...?" If you accept, it might help you keep an open mind if you focus on what you two have in common -- for example, a relative who proclaimed, "When I die, all of this will be yours!" Unfortunately, your grandma was making a sweeping gesture toward her salt and pepper shaker collection. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.