Wall Of Me

I'm a single woman struggling with maintaining boundaries. I find myself going along in the moment with things men do or want -- saying "sure, that's cool" even when it's not. I'm pretty assertive in other areas, so it's confusing that I'd be such a wimp with men.

--Yes Woman

Guys love a woman who says yes -- until they're done doing whatever she said yes to. It isn't surprising that you're inconsistently assertive. There's this myth of the self as a single, stable entity -- like one of those Easter Island statues (but with lip gloss and an iPhone). However, evolutionary psychologist Lee A. Kirkpatrick and his colleagues find that our self-evaluations (and the behavior that follows) evolved to be "domain-specific" -- different in different areas of our lives. "Situational variables" matter -- like the value to us of a potential relationship. So you might march around like some warrior princess of the work world yet want a boyfriend so badly that you show guys you're dating that there's no amount of backward that's too far for you to bend over. The good news is, your emotions are not your factory foreman. You will not be fired and end up sleeping on cardboard in a doorway if you refuse to obey them. Reflect on possible boundary-challenging scenarios and preplan what you'll say -- and then just say it. State your limits, despite any inner squeals of protest from your fears (those jerks). Expect this to feel scary and uncomfortable, but do it anyway. In time, you should see that it's self-respect, not compliance, that earns you respect from others -- leading them to want you for more than...um...temporary erection relief.