Waking The Dad

My boyfriend and I recently discussed having children. I want them, but he's a little on the fence. He says he needs to be in a better financial place before thinking about kids. I wonder whether that's just an excuse to put off the topic indefinitely.

--Worried

Children bring their parents a lot of joy -- and it helps to remember that as you're jazzwalking to the office so you can put your gas money toward your kid's fourth round of dental work. Children are seriously expensive, so maybe your boyfriend just feels a serious sense of responsibility to support the little buggers while being unsure of exactly how many million bajillions that could take. Economist Daniel Ellsberg observed that we humans are deeply disturbed by ambiguity -- a lack of information about how things could turn out. Some people are so ambiguity-averse (aka uncertainty-averse) they'll opt for an immediate sure loss over the possibility of a future gain. It's why people sometimes sabotage a new relationship: They can't stand not knowing whether the thing'll tank, so they blow it up themselves. To figure out where your boyfriend really stands, replace the ambiguity with information. Together, add up the costs of having kids (factoring in health care, emergencies, grad school, rehab, etc.). From that, project the date of his financial readiness. You might also ask him about any fears he has about having kids. Discussing them might shrink them -- or make it clear that he isn't daddy material and that you should start looking for a man who is. Though retailers allow you to return many items, even if they're slightly used, maternity wards don't work like that: "Excuse me, Nurse...these three kids turned out to be unexpectedly loud, sticky, and expensive, but I don't see your return policy on the receipts." "Sir, those are birth certificates." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.