Wait Management

I was crazy about this guy I started dating, but he got complacent, so I ended it. I started seeing someone else, which led my ex to proclaim that he loves me and wants me back. I recently ended things with the other guy, largely because I still have strong feelings for my ex. My ex swears he'll break up with his current girlfriend but seems in no hurry to do it. How long should I wait in the wings for him?

--Clock-watching

How long should you wait? Well, that depends on whether you're hoping to go on your first date with him in a flying car. Relationships are "built on trust," not rust -- forming on you while you "wait in the wings" for a guy who's under no pressure to speed up the timetable on having the uncomfortable breakup conversation with his current girlfriend. Another explanation for his dawdling may be the "mere ownership effect," a behavioral economics term describing our tendency to irrationally overvalue and cling to something simply because it's already in our possession. Consumer behavior researcher Sara Loughran Dommer finds that this ownership effect is even stronger when there's an "ego threat" involved, like, oh, when your ex's thoughts of you also bring up thoughts of you dumping him (even if he did deserve it for sleeping on the job). However, the behavioral science cookie jar has something for you, too -- "reactance," our fear of missing out on an opportunity, the principle behind "Limited-time offer!" To chip away at his current complacency, give him a two-week "grace period" to straighten things out. Allowing him some time suggests that you have strong feelings for him. Making it a limited time suggests that you have strong feelings for yourself (self-respect and, out of that, boundaries). Good things can come to those who wait -- just not so long that the movies playing on date night are Bruce Willis in "Die Hard With a Pacemaker" and Jackie Chan in "Kung Fu From a Walker."