Uneven Steven

I'm a 22-year-old woman. I'm bothered my best guy friend's shift in priorities. We talked about meeting up, and when I asked about his schedule, he said it depends on the schedules of women he's meeting for dates. I found this really rude, especially because I always have the decency to prioritize my friends over any random romantic prospect.

--Angry

Apparently, the lyrics of the Carole King classic, "You've Got a Friend," should've included disclaimers throughout; for example: "You just call out my name, And you know, wherever I am, I'll come running" ("though there may be a several-day wait if there's a really good opportunity for my penis"). The actual problem here is not the apparent shift in the guy's priorities but how they now differ sharply from yours -- leading to an imbalance in what you put into the friendship versus what you're getting out of it. "Equity theory," developed in the 1960s by behavioral psychologist J. Stacy Adams (and originally applied to business relationships), suggests this sort of "inequity" leads to "dissatisfaction and low morale." Recent research on equity theory confirms that we evaluate our friendships (and other relationships) based on how fair they are. We look for reciprocity: a level of mutualness in how much we and our friend are each investing in the friendship. When we perceive a friend is giving much less than we are, we get miffy and are motivated to put them on notice or give them the boot. The guy isn't wrong to have more mating-focused priorities. However, you might decide it's too painful to remain friends with him. Telling him how you feel might inspire him to change his behavior (or hide it better) -- my bet...for a few days or a week. Another option would be to make peace with the sort of friend he's able to be -- which could be a temporary thing while he's on the hunt -- and spend more time with friends who share your priorities. There are friends who -- upon getting your faint, staticky phone call for help from the Alaskan tundra -- will drop everything, hop five planes, rent a team of sled dogs, and come rescue you...and then there are friends who will get on with dropping their pants on some chick's floor, telling themselves you'll probably get through to somebody else before your phone dies and you follow its lead. ("Testes before besties!") ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.