Undercover Smother

I'm a 33-year-old bisexual female manager, and a co-worker seems to have an intense crush on me. She invites me out for drinks and buys me little gifts (a teddy bear, chocolates, flowers, a heart-shaped necklace). I make excuses to get out of drinks and show no enthusiasm for the gifts, but the more I don't show interest, the more obsessed she seems. How do I get her to stop without making it awkward?

--Disturbed

It's really uncomfortable when any conversation she has with you includes the breathy subtext: "I like your outfit. I'd like it even more if it were in a pile on the conference room floor." It's possible she's experiencing limerence, a constant, obsessive romantic longing for another person that leads to often-smothering acts intended to get that person to reciprocate. Though limerence can seem like a form of love, love involves concern for the other's feelings and well-being. In limerence, the limerent person's target is a love object they're pursuing: the romantic obsession version of a dirty tennis ball a dog's chasing that never rolls to a stop. However, there is a way out. Psychologists Albert Wakin and Duyen Vo explain that "limerence is sustained and fueled by uncertainty," which heightens the limerent person's hope as well as their cravings for emotional reciprocation from the object of their obsessive desire. They add that "the limerence reactions tend to dissipate in conditions where there is complete certainty," whether it's "absolute reciprocation or the other extreme of absolute rejection." The kindest thing you can do (for yourself and for her) is help her give up hope -- immediately, lest Tacky Gift Mountain start growing a twin peak. Take her aside and say: "I just want to clear up any possible misunderstanding. I'm not interested in ANY relationship beyond being co-workers." If she tries again or the gift barrage continues, tell her again in unambiguous language (providing the necessary "absolute rejection"). Don't explain why. You are not interested in her. Period. Revealing this to her will surely be awkward, but it gives her the "complete certainty" she needs to escape the claws of limerence and, best of all, before you run out of excuses to escape her regular "Wanna go for drinks after work?" You: "I have to feed my cat." Her: "I thought your cat died last year." You: "I have to feed its ghost." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.