Ugly Batty

I'm a guy in my late 30s. I don't fear commitment; I fear surprise -- the surprise I get when I find I'm with yet another crazy woman. My previous two girlfriends eventually turned out to be total psychos -- mean, controlling, and paranoid that I was cheating (which I've NEVER done). I'm beginning to think love is a ruse, with women pretending to be cool and balanced until their true crazy colors come out.

--Weary

There are events in life that are totally unexpected, like getting sucked up by a big vacuum hose into a passing alien spaceship. If you're the one who ends up under the probe, we don't get to go all accusey on you, like, "You...went out to the mailbox on a Saturday afternoon?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!!" In relationships, however, though there are a few gifted crazies who can pull the long con, most reveal who they really are in many small ways -- long before you wake up strapped to a chair with a bright light shining in your eyes: "Tell me why you had sex with the neighbor!" she bellows. You: "Wait -- the 90-year-old?" Identifying which ladies are from Batshitistan involves two things: 1. Taking things really slowly so you can look at a woman's behavior over time (especially when she doesn't think you're looking). 2. Wanting to see more than you want to believe. It also might help you to take an honest approach to the past -- admitting that you treated hope as a creative alternative to critical analysis. This should help keep you from rashly welcoming the wrong people into your life, like that dark stranger ringing your bell in the hooded cloak: "Come on in, mister! There's a bowl of nuts on the table and cocktails on the minibar. May I take your scythe?"