Twisted Sisterhood

I'm a grown woman in the middle of a feud between two of my female friends. They're both complaining to me, and I'm just responding "uh-huh" to give them the hint that I don't want to be involved. Neither's catching on. How do I get out of the middle of this spat without either friend feeling like I'm being disloyal and without my blurting out, "This is ridiculous. Grow up, ladies!"

--Irritated

If only these two would do as a 60-year-old dude in the U.K. just did to dispute a ticket he got on his motorcycle -- invoked what The Telegraph called "the ancient right to trial by combat." Not surprisingly, local magistrates decided to stick him with a fine instead of accepting his proposal of a duel "to the death" with a motor vehicles clerk, using "samurai swords, Gurkha knives or heavy hammers." Unfortunately, your female friends are unlikely to break out the Hello Kitty nunchucks to resolve their little squabble once and for all. It turns out there are some differences in how men and women generally deal with disagreements. Psychologist Joyce Benenson explains that women -- as the childbearers and primary childcarers of the species -- evolved to handle disputes in ways that minimize their risk of being physically harmed through retaliation. This has led to a female tendency toward covert aggression -- sneaky attacks that are often hard to identify as attacks, like sabotaging other women's status through gossip and social exclusion. Men, in contrast, tend to favor more straight-up forms of dispute resolution, from put-down fests to bar fights (with or without medieval weapons). The thing is, an evolved tendency for a certain behavior (like indirectness) isn't a mandate that you behave accordingly. You can instead choose to be direct: Inform these two that you refuse to be the prize in this battle of theirs and thus refuse to hear another word about it from either of them. When they forget (aka see whether they can sneak in a rant to you about what a #$%& the other is), be straightforward in reminding them of your retirement as a giant ear. Being direct is sure to be uncomfortable the first few times, but as you increasingly make it a habit, you should find it far easier and certainly more effective than coming up with creative excuses every time the phone rings: "Sorry! Still haven't found my gavel. Talk soon!" ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.