Trial By Fireworks

I seem to need more excitement than most people. After eight months together, my boyfriend and I have fallen into a routine. Simply scheduling regular date nights seems unlikely to improve things. I'm 35, not 5, and I realize an ongoing relationship won't be as exciting as when it was new, but I'm worried my boredom is a sign I don't really love him. (And I'm pretty sure I do.)

--Worried Woman

Unfortunately, love is not a cure for boredom, so there's a point in a relationship when it's tempting to trade a lifetime with Prince Charming for three hours with Prince Random Stranger. With love and stability comes predictability, the slow, bleak death of excitement. This is a bummer for anyone in a relationship, but especially hard if you "need more excitement than most people." That suggests you are a high scorer in a personality trait psychologist Marvin Zuckerman termed "sensation seeking." It plays out in a jonesing for novel, varied, and intense experiences "and the willingness to take risks for the sake of such experience" (such as risking a relationship for some strange). Recognizing that you have this craving could help you meet it in less romantically destructive ways. You might feed the beast on your own by taking up adrenaline-amping activities like hang gliding or zip lining, or if those are a little out of geographic or budgetary range, jogging through dark alleys in bad parts of town. To bring more novelty and surprise to your relationship, trade weekly date nights for weekly mystery date nights. Take turns planning them, and keep what you're planning a secret from the other (save for any necessary information about wardrobe, etc.). Because novelty and surprise are the baby mamas of excitement, even an unexpected date eating hot dogs together on a bench while watching the sun set over a pretty body of water is likely to check the boxes. But don't stop at suggesting mystery date nights. Tell your boyfriend why: because you have quite the appetite for excitement. He can't provide what he hasn't been told you need, and this breeds resentment. You grow resentful over your unmet needs, and then he grows resentful over your resentment. And because it's called "making love," not "confirming hate," any excitement you two had about sex (with each other) follows general excitement out the door, and "that thing" you do in bed becomes listening through the walls to the neighbors actually having sex. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.