Toad Rash

The guy I've been seeing for a month just told me that he doesn't want a relationship or monogamy. I told him from the start that I was looking for something "real" and wanted to take it slowly. I did sleep with him too quickly -- on the first date. Still, I feel that men don't really respect what you say you're looking for. They get what they want and then leave. How do I keep this from happening in the future?

--Ouch

Nothing like tearing off all your clothes on the first date to say "I want to take it slowly." (Your words said no, but your thighs had a marching band and a banner: "Welcome Home, Big Guy!") Many women claim to be seeking something "real" -- either because they are or because they don't want it to seem like their exercise program is "the walk of shame." Guys are hip to this, so they nod their heads about the "real"ness-seeking and then nudge the woman to see whether she'll tumble into bed. In other words, your problem was not that the guy didn't "respect" what you said you wanted but that you didn't. (This might be a good time to notice that "blame" is just "lame" wearing a "b" as a hat.) To avoid another Sexodus, match your behavior to your goals. Research (and common knowledge) finds that having sex pronto is a bad idea for a woman who's looking for something lasting with a guy. This isn't to say sex on the first or second date never leads to more. It's just a risky strategy to sleep with a man before he's emotionally attached to you -- like when your answer to the question "So...how long have you two lovebirds been together?" is "It's actually coming up on two and a half beers!"