Thinking Outside The Boobs

I'm a man who likes to girl-watch. I do this from behind very dark glasses, yet I still elicit scowls from women. Recently, I was at a help desk, and I availed myself of the view down the receptionist's top. She quickly covered up with a scarf. I'm puzzled, because there's no way she could've seen my eyes. What's going on here?

--Sunglasses

We all appreciate a nice view, but your eyes might be lingering a bit long in the wrong places if you hear stuff like "Sir...are you ready for my areolas to take your order?" Hiding your boob recon behind pitch-dark shades doesn't help matters -- but not because we have some magical ability to know when someone is staring at us. Sure, people will swear that they can tell -- even if the starer is behind them or is behind dark glasses. However, unless they grew up someplace else -- like on Planet 34 -- they have no organ that would detect this. (Here on Earth, "eyes in the back of your head" is just a figure of speech -- save for any rare genetic accidents.) Why might we think we know when we're being watched -- even by someone we can't see? Well, we may -- subconsciously -- be picking up on subtle reactions of people around us who can see the watcher. Neuroscientist Joseph LeDoux explains that our amygdala -- part of our brain's threat detection circuitry -- reacts beneath conscious awareness, messaging our body to get ready to run or rumble (that "fight or flight" thing). Among our body's responses, our little hairs stand on end. That's a creepy feeling -- leading us to whirl around to see what gives -- and whoa!...there's some dude angling to cavity-search us with his eyeballs. We have a term for that "hairs standing on end" feeling, and it's "being creeped out" -- which is what women are experiencing when they can't see what your eyes are up to behind those dark glasses. Evolutionary social psychologist Frank McAndrew published the first study on the nature of "creepiness." He explains that the feeling that something is "creepy" is a self-protective response to "ambiguity" -- our being unsure of whether we're facing a threat. We err on the side of assuming that we are -- and in rushes the palace guard to barricade the cleavage with a scarf. This woman you stared at was at the "help" desk, and no, that isn't short for "Help yourself to a nice long look down my boobage." Close-range staring at a captive audience like that is particularly creepy -- as in, it's rude. Again, the sunglasses don't change that; they make it worse. If you're going to girl-watch, do it in wide-open spaces, like on the street or in a mall, so you don't make women feel like sitting ducks in pushup bras. You might also take off those spy glasses and engage with one of these ladies. If you get something going with a woman, gazing admiringly at her will seem like a form of flattery -- as opposed to a sign that your mom reset the Net Nanny to block all those "filthy" webcam sites.