The Son-In-Law Also Rises

I'm meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time (for dinner at their house), and I'm absolutely terrified. Is there a way to win them over? Should I just compliment the hell out of their daughter? She's the first woman I've seriously thought about marrying, so I really want her parents to like me.

--The Boyfriend

Your "blowing smoke" in, um, a sun-free direction -- like by "complimenting the hell out of" your girlfriend to her parents - is likely to be about as well-received as trying to shove a whole hookah lounge up there. Luckily, there's a guide for how to win over the girlfriend's parents, and it's an anthropology textbook: specifically, the section on what biological anthropologist Robert Trivers terms "parent-offspring conflict." Parents want the best for their kids, but their definition of "best" and their kids' definition tend to part company -- along the lines of parents' genetic self-interest. Any investment by a parent in one of their kids (increasing that kid's chances to survive and mate) diminishes the parent's ability to invest in their other kids or in their own mating efforts to have future offspring to pass on their genes. Accordingly, if a woman's looking for a man for herself, research by evolutionary social psychologist Shelli L. Dubbs suggests she's likely to favor "traits that suggest genetic quality," like being physically attractive. However, if the woman's assessing a man for her daughter, she (along with her husband) will likely prioritize "characteristics that suggest high parental investment." In short, parents are wondering about the guy dating their daughter: "Hey, buster, you gonna stick around and pay the mortgage, or will we have to cover it because your paycheck keeps getting tangled up in strippers' G-strings?" Even if you don't have the greatest job now, potential matters. If you're hardworking and have solid plans for the future, and if there's a natural point in conversation to reflect that, go for it. In general, let the things you say tell them you're a stable dude who cares about their daughter and values the person she is. That said, avoid laying it on too thick, because talk is cheap and the harder you seem to be working to be liked, the less likeable you'll be. Ultimately, go with F. Scott Fitzgerald's maxim, "Action is character." Be kind, be considerate, be loving, and don't light your farts on fire. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.