The Shrining

Six months after meeting this amazing woman -- I'll call her Ms. Perfect -- I asked her to marry me. A year later, she broke off the engagement, saying, "I shouldn't be wearing your engagement ring and noticing other men." That was two years ago. Since then, I've dated three women. None came close to the high bar set by Ms. Perfect. Do I lower my standards or live the rest of my life alone?

--Don't Want To Hurt Someone Else As I Was Hurt

Endlessly replaying the memories of how perfect your ex was is a great idea -- if you're looking to grow old with a tube sock and a vat of lotion. Like most of us, you probably have the adorable idea of memory as some faithful servant, dutifully reporting what actually happened -- rather than as the sneaky, ego-serving distorter it is. If memory were faithful to reality -- like a videotape -- we could just pull out, oh, "The night of January 12, 2015, with Ms. Perfect" and we'd have an accurate replay of the evening's events, with maybe a few fuzzy bits where somebody spilled a little sangria on the tape. However, fascinating research on learning and memory by cognitive psychologist Robert Bjork finds that "using one's memory shapes one's memory." Bjork explains that the more you "retrieve" something from your mind -- that is, bring up the memory to replay -- the bigger and stronger it grows in your memory. In other words, retrieval is the neon-pink highlighting marker of your mind. So, you retrieve and retrieve -- and remember -- your ex's heart-shaped fried eggs and that sweet thing she said while unloading the dishwasher and not being exiled to the couch or her circus-style knife throwing. Not surprisingly, no real woman can compare. And sure, maybe these women you dated weren't right for you. But the question -- with any woman -- is whether she meets enough of your standards. You can't have it all -- but do you have enough of it all? You figure that out by coming up with a shortlist of minimums -- standards for the stuff you absolutely can't live without in a partner, in looks, demeanor (especially kindness), intelligence, rationality, and anything else that matters to you. Once you find someone who meets your minimums, remind yourself of the distorto job done on memory by the viewing preferences of your ego and emotions. This should help keep you from damaging your future with this new woman: "Oh...table for three?" she says. "Is somebody joining us?" You: "Just the eternal spectre of my ex." (Uh, not the sort of threesome anyone is looking for.)