The Shoo Maker

I'm a single dude in my 30s, and I really want a girlfriend, but I keep striking out with women. My female co-worker says that if I want a relationship, I need to upgrade my shoes. I wear a pair of super-comfy New Balance sneakers that I've had since college...yes, even wearing them on dates. In the summer, I wear Crocs sandals. What's the problem? Are girls really that shallow?

--Footloose

Sadly, the CDC has been remiss in informing men of the exceptional protection against sexually transmitted diseases that open-toe shoes can provide. Men's shoes speak to women. They are a form of what anthropologists and zoologists call "signaling" -- communication between organisms. In the mating realm, signals advertise quality in a potential partner -- or sound the alarm when it's lacking. Wearing bad shoes (like your stanky, hobo-ready sneakers) suggests you lack the social intelligence to dress like a grown-up and/or the interest in taking care of more than your own needs -- like for the five basic bachelor-dude food groups: beer, Hot Pockets, pizza, Doritos, and pot edibles. Evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller surveyed women -- straight single American women, ages 20-35 -- on what they like and loathe in footwear on a potential partner. The women were asked to imagine going on a casual lunch date with guys wearing 32 different types of men's shoes, from Birkenstocks to chukkas to leather Oxfords. Women's preferences were "strong" and "consistent" and point to the following advice: Wear leather shoes -- nice leather shoes, like Oxfords or loafers -- that cover your feet. (Women hated every single sandal, from Crocs to Birkenstocks to flip-flops.) Your shoes don't have to be expensive. You can probably do just fine with a stylish loafer you get on sale for $50. (Passable sneakers, scoring okay but not so well as the leather shoes, were the classics: Vans and Converse All Stars.) Finally, it isn't enough to just buy the right shoes; you have to take care of them. (Another important detail that ladies notice.) Learn how to polish and clean them. Take them to a shoemaker for resoling and other upkeep. These might seem like little things but they are actually part of a whole of living like a man instead of a manchild. Admittedly, living the man way isn't "super-comfy," but consider where your priorities lie: more in the realm of Dr. Scholl or Dr. Kinsey?