The Scorn Identity

There's this girl in my social circle I'd wanted to ask out for a while. Two months ago, I finally got up the nerve, but she politely declined, saying she wasn't "ready to date yet" after her last relationship. Since then, she's started dating some other guy, and their pictures are all over Facebook. I unfollowed her from my News Feed, but I still see her with this guy in friends' photos. Would it be completely petty to unfriend her? I feel like that would make me look even more jilted and bitter. And I still have to see her at parties and stuff.

--Grim

Facebook is complicated. Sure, there are privacy settings and other controls, but these tend to be more porous than the U.S.-Mexican border. In fact, there's only one surefire way to avoid seeing somebody in your News Feed, and that's covering your computer screen with duct tape. Unfortunately, this won't help you at parties or the supermarket, since you can only unfriend somebody; you can't unexist them. Well, not without the possibility of life in prison. But take a step back. You're feeling "jilted and bitter"? A woman you asked out left you in limbo; she didn't make a run for it while you were standing together at the altar. She also didn't wrong you by saying she wasn't "ready to date yet." Maybe that was the truth at the time; maybe she won't be ready to date you ever. A person you ask out doesn't owe you complete honesty -- well, except on whether they'll open the door and come out when you swing by on Friday night or stockpile weapons and barricade themselves in their house. Chances are, you wouldn't be so Mr. Resentypants if you hadn't pined after this girl for eons and "finally" asked her out. Turning her into a months-long project for your ego made getting a "yes" from her way too important. You probably did this because you're rejection-avoidant. This isn't to say the rest of us are all, "Yay, rejection. More, please." But that sort of attitude -- constantly flipping the bird at your fears and taking social risks -- is how you get okay enough with rejection to live your life like you'll be dead soon instead of like you're dead now. Getting comfortable in Rejectionville is easier if your self-worth comes from the inside. This is something you may need to work toward. But even if you can't immediately stop seeing every rejection as confirmation of your loserhood, you can at least stop acting as if you do. Just reinterpret each rejection as a sign to go after the next woman. (Acknowledge disappointment, lick wounds, move on.) Before long, you should be bouncing back surprisingly fast. You should also find yourself reserving your scorn for the truly deserving, like if you ask a woman whether she'd like to have a drink sometime and her response is, "Sure I would. Here's my address. Leave a bottle of chilled white wine on my doorstep, ring the bell, and run."