The Rid Carpet

I'm a 30-something gay guy. When I moved to a new city five years ago, I knew nobody except two female co-workers, who became my first friends. I have since met wonderful, talented, artistic people who are more my style. I no longer work with these ladies, and I'm just not interested in hanging out with them anymore. When they call to get together, I keep saying I'm busy, but they're not getting the picture. How do I break up with them without being mean?

--Trapped

When you break up with a romantic partner, there are comforting cliches you can trot out, like "It's not you; it's me," "You deserve better," and "We can still be friends." When you break up with a friend, where do you go with that? "We can still be people who hide behind mall kiosks so they don't have to speak to each other"? It helps to understand the underpinnings of friendship. We like to think of ourselves as rational and discerning people with very good taste, and naturally, we believe this shapes our choice of friends. In fact, personality psychologist Mitja Back and his colleagues find that a major driver of whom we're friends with is "mere proximity" -- living on the same block, working together, or, in Back's study, being randomly assigned seats next to each other in a college class. Location, location, location! Really special, huh? Still, maybe you feel a little guilty about exiling these ladies from your life, because you used them to have some somebodies around when you knew nobody. However, they hung out with you willingly. It's not like you were some odious character they were forced to go to brunch with at gunpoint. The kindest approach, of course, is to keep distancing yourself and hope they get the message or just give up on trying to get together. You do say that the "take the hint!" approach hasn't been working. But are their calls and texts so screechingly bothersome that it's worth it to go all rip-the-Band-Aid-off? If you decide it is, you could say, "You guys have been so kind to me, and I've enjoyed our times together, but I've gone through some personal changes, and I don't think we're such a great match anymore." Be prepared: They may press you to tell them more. For maximum kindness, stick to this sort of vague statement. Don't go all truthful on them: They were human placeholders, the sidewalk furniture of friends, like curbside chairs you dragged home so you wouldn't have to ask your dates, "Hey, wanna stand in my living room and watch Netflix?" ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.