The Frenzy Zone

I'm a woman just out of a 13-year relationship, and dating isn't going so well. My roommate says I need to stop blatantly pursuing men -- texting first, initiating plans, etc. -- and instead flirt, hang back, and "seem busy." That just seems so archaic -- starting a relationship on the manipulative premise of feminine game-playing. It's 2016. Why isn't authenticity appreciated?

--Forgive Me, I'm Real

Ideally, you'll make a guy ache with longing -- but more along the lines of "I wish she'd text me back" than "I wish she'd put down those binoculars and get out of my bushes." In other words, you might rethink "authenticity" -- letting the true you (or rather, the truly impatient you) shine through. Consider acting like the more effective you, as you surely would for a job interview -- rather than showing up in sweats and bragging that your character reference is actually your pot dealer and that "Mr. Bradley," your "former employer," is the neighbor's Labradoodle. Chances are you've been "blatantly pursuing" because, like many women, you confuse "equal" with "the same." However, there's substantial evidence from evolutionary psychology research that women evolved to be the choosier sex and that men co-evolved to expect this -- and see female aloofness as a sign of value. So a more productive strategy for you would be what social psychologist Robert Cialdini calls "the scarcity principle." Cialdini explains that the less available something is, the more we value and want it. Not because it's better. Because FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) and the regret we'd feel if we let that happen jack us into a motivational state -- a panic to get whatever's in short supply. But don't take my word for it. For three weeks, try something new: flirting and waiting instead of chasing and pouncing. Ultimately, it's best to start a relationship on the premise that actually allows it to start -- coming off more like the appointment-only store with a single avant-garde dress than the kind with a big yellow sign in the window: "Everything in the store, $15, including the dog."