The Endear Hunter

My girlfriend rarely, if ever, calls me by my actual name. Other women I've dated have done this, too. It makes me think of that country song that goes, "You don't have to call me darlin', darlin'." I've come to realize that I've been steadily losing interest in my girlfriend, and maybe she senses that. Or could it be something else? Why do women do this -- not calling men by their actual names?

--Nameless

There are times when only your actual name will do -- because the alternative is "Hey, Magic Penis, I'm over here...aisle 4!" But, generally speaking, the way people address each other is a statement about the kind of relationship they have. So when the nurse comes into the waiting room with a clipboard, you never hear, "Okay...Poopooface, the doctor will see you now." A cop, likewise, will not ask, "Do you know how fast you were going, Turtlebutt?" A pet name is part of creating a relationship "culture" -- things you do and say that mark the relationship as a distinct little society. (Cutesy handles also tend to, uh, travel better than matching bones through the nose.) Not surprisingly, relationship communication researcher Carol Bruess finds that partners in happy relationships use nicknames more than those in unhappy ones. Referencing previous research, Bruess explains that nickname use both creates intimacy and reflects it. So, it's possible that your girlfriend's nicknamery is a ploy --perhaps unconscious -- to bring you two closer. (If she talks all cootchie-cuddly-coo, cootchie-cuddly-coo might follow.) But seeing as you have been "steadily losing interest" in your girlfriend, why are you sitting around pondering nickname use? You need to do your part: Inform your girlfriend that the relationshippypoo can no longer breathe on its owniecakes, and that it's time she started referring to you as her ex-schmoopie -- or, better yet, "that asshole" she used to date.