The Blurt Locker

My boyfriend and I broke up during a nasty fight. I (rashly and immaturely) blurted out that we should just break up. He blurted out, "Fine!" and asked to stop talking for a while. Ugh. I still want to be with him. Dating coaches advise a "no contact" rule post-breakup (cutting off communication for 21 to 45 days). Do you agree? Is this a way to give him a chance to miss me, reset, and get back together in a healthy way?

--Distressed

If you broke up by accident and still want to be with the person, there's something you should do, and it isn't spending a month and a half being all "My spirit animal is a 3,000-year-old crustacean fossilized in rock." Breaking up because you hit an impasse in an argument is like abandoning your apartment because your toilet's clogged. Chances are you exploded because you "reasoned" with part of the brain not equipped for the job. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman explains that our brain has two information-processing systems: System 1, our instinctive, fast-responding emotional system that jumps into action automatically; and System 2, our slow-to-awaken reasoning system that we have to force to do its job. System 1 (automatic emotion!) drove you to blurt your way into breaking up. Possibly getting back together takes hauling your System 2 reasoning out of bed and making it process whether you, as a couple, are irretrievably broken or just need to learn healthy conflict resolution techniques. You resolve conflict not through fighting to win -- hammering the other person until they give in -- but through listening with an open mind: putting in the effort to understand and empathize and then working to solve problems as a we instead of a you versus me. (This takes practice, and psychologist John Gottman's "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" is a helpful guide, but in the meantime, a clue: If the volume goes up, you're doing it wrong.) Since the guy was in a relationship with you until you accidentally blew it up, he probably cares about you and doesn't need to be psychologically manipulated into wanting you with some "no contact" crapfest. Ultimately, if you love something and accidentally set it free, go after it and tell it you were an idiot: "If I'm gonna have fights about underwear used for a coffee table coaster, I want them to be with you." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.