The Benefit Of The Dowdy

I'm a recently divorced 40-something mom who's having trouble making female friends. I'm excluded from group activities, and my attempts at get-togethers fall flat. I attributed this to my being a bit quiet and reserved until a mom at school -- previously a friend -- casually remarked, "You're one of the moms we all love to hate!" What?! What am I doing that makes me hateable? Male friends say it's because I am "hot" and "have a killer body" and other women are jealous.

--Lone Mom

Middle-aged women who've gotten a little frumpy, schlumpy, and stretchmarky cling to how "what's on the inside is what really matters"...right until what's on the outside is a hot, shapely, newly available divorcee collecting their husbands' eyeballs like the Pied Piper commandeering the rodent population of Hamelin. Being "reserved" surely doesn't help. If you were mousy, you'd probably be considered shy. Being a looker and reserved possibly marks you as a snob. To take this less personally, recognize that these women are probably driven by fear, envy, admiration, and/or intimidation. To get them to see you more as a person than a hot person, you need to extend yourself: Be assertively friendly; join a volunteer organization so people get to know you through your actions; and seek out women who seem happy and secure. All in all, you need to be realistic. Understand that the first thing in some women's minds will always be how much cuter they are when they aren't standing next to you -- unless you're dressed in something that's figure-hugging in the manner of those bags they zip the dead bodies into at the morgue.