Tender Mercenaries

I'm a 30-year-old woman. My ex is an extremely wealthy and successful Wall Streeter I found to be a charming sociopath: lying, manipulative, and willing to do anything to win. I was curious about the woman he was with before me, so I Googled her. Like him, she's in her 40s and very good-looking. She's really accomplished: an Ivy grad and founder and CEO of a successful company. I was surprised to see she's dating a guy who's a construction manager. With all she has going for her, why would she move from my ex to this man?

--Curious

Dating a sociopath lets you experience what it's like to go temporarily insane. You scratch their back; they'll stab yours and then somehow get you apologizing for how rude you were to leave those big blood stains all over their rug. It's not surprising that you and this other woman were drawn to Darth Trader. Research finds that women (from the Amazon to the, uh, Amazon.com) are driven to try to land high-status, high-earning men. But evolutionary psychologist Norman Li observed that, in some studies, this priority sometimes ranked surprisingly low on research participants' wish lists. Li attributed this to how a good deal of mating research gave participants "sky's the limit" options that don't reflect the real-world constraints on people's choices; for example, the "trade-offs normally made when people select mates, whose traits come in bundles." ("Good earner" is packaged with "looks vaguely Neanderthal.") Context also matters, like whether a person's own mate value, on a scale from 1 to 10, is "Little Engine That Could"-ing its way to 6. Research by sociologist Yue Qian, among others, does find that high-earning, highly educated women tend to go for higher-earning, more highly educated men. However, it's possible that, for this woman, feeling burned by a "great on paper" guy who treats others as vending machines for his needs provided powerful "context," motivating her subsequent choice of boyfriend. I see that women in their 30s and 40s who previously snubbed men who weren't power brokers often start putting more weight on finding a loving man with good character. For this particular woman, a manly-man urban cowboy on a bucking earth mover might be just the change she needs -- even temporarily -- from a selfish, sociopathic Wall Street pretty boy. Ideally, if a woman describes the man she's with as "amazing," it shouldn't be because he's living proof that a human being can survive for decades without a heart. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.