Tender Bender

I'm a woman, married for a year to a great guy. The problem is that he's too gentle when he touches or kisses me, and I'm starting to get really frustrated in bed. I know I should have let him know what I really like a long time ago. How can I do this now without hurting his feelings?

--Embarrassed

It's hot to have a husband who's kind of an animal in bed -- except if that animal is Hello Kitty. Words, who needs 'em? Maybe you figured he'd get the hint from your body language -- maybe because you're pretty sure you would have if the tables were turned. Well, research by social psychologist Judith A. Hall finds that women are far better at spotting and decoding nonverbal messages (in facial expressions and body language). This makes evolutionary sense, considering a mother's need to suss out what's wrong with her 6-month-old (who is unable both to speak and to get on the internet at 3 a.m. to self-diagnose his diaper rash as a brain tumor). Still, you don't have to give him a poor performance evaluation (ouch!) or go into sex ed lecturer-like detail. Instead, take the Gene Hackman approach. Hackman reportedly informs movie directors that the only directions he'll take are "louder, softer, faster, slower." (You might want to supplement those with "harder" and "rougher.") To encourage greater openness, ask him what his sexual fantasies are (which should lead to the question, "Well, what are yours?") -- and do your best to deliver on any that don't involve illegal acts with livestock. You might also watch movies together with sex scenes that are more "G.I. Jane" than Jane Austen -- like the 2005 movie "Mr. & Mrs. Smith." Then, when you're in bed, suggest "Mr. & Mrs. Smith-style," and he should get what you mean. Before long, when you tell your friends that sex with your husband is "dreamy," it won't be because you usually doze off during it.