Swarm Feelings

I've been flirting with two guys all year. I feel a connection and chemistry with both, but neither's asked me out yet. This weekend, I'm attending a going-away party of a grad student we all know, and I'm nervous that they'll both show up and ask me out. (There's also a third guy who seems interested.) What should I do? I wouldn't want to be one of somebody's many options.

--Feeling Unfair

The first few dates are the free trial period of romantic relationships. Think of it like accepting a sample of lox spread at Costco. You're seeing how you like it; you aren't committing to buy a salmon hatchery. It sounds like you instead see a date as a Wile E. Coyote-style trapdoor dropping you into a relationship. You and the guy have sex for the first time, and assuming he doesn't fake his death afterward or ditch a burner phone he's been texting you from, you two become a thing -- right on track to sign up for those cute side-by-side burial plots. The problem is, this is like getting into a relationship with the first stranger who sits down on the bus next to you. You're skipping an essential step -- the "see who the guy is and decide" part. Even when the guy isn't just some Tinder rando -- even when you've known him for a while -- you need to see who he is as a boyfriend and how you work as a couple. Also, making matters worse, if you're like many women, sex can act as a sort of snuff film for your objectivity, leading you to feel emotionally attached to the man you've just slept with. Psychologists Cindy Meston and David Buss speculate that this may come out of the orgasm-driven release of oxytocin, a hormone that has been associated with emotional bonding. (In men, testosterone goes all nightclub bouncer, blocking oxytocin so it can't get to its receptor.) To keep sex from drugging away your objectivity, try something: unsexy broad-daylight dates with various guys for just a few hours each. Yes, various guys. It's not only okay to date more than one guy initially; it's ideal. (A man with rivals is a man who has to try harder.) Meanwhile, your having options should curb any tendency you might have to go all needypants on a guy who, say, doesn't text you right back -- even if his competition's texts are more preventive distraction than romantic ideal: "What are u wearing? Also, are u good w/Excel?" Or "I know u like fashion. Here's my penis in a beret."