Stunning On Empty

I am a 44-year-old man, in between jobs. For once, I want the best-looking woman, because all my life, women I've been involved with have been just so-so. Unfortunately, I have a hard time speaking when I'm around beautiful women. I'm so desperate -- I know there's some secret to meeting and picking up wild, gorgeous beauties who enjoy sex and romance, and I'm hoping you'll tell me what it is. By the way, if women respond to this message, you have my permission to give them my address and phone number. Please help me get a babe.

--Hungry Heart

LET ME GET THIS straight: "Unemployed mute seeks nymphomaniac centerfold. (Only the independently wealthy need apply.)"

Excuse me while I brace myself for the flood of email from international supermodels begging me to set up a series of catfights to decide which one will get to buy you dinner for the rest of your life.

If only you were willing to settle for a girl with inner beauty. There might actually be a few out there who'd let you wash their windows in exchange for a hot meal or two, maybe more. Then again, maybe just the right job is the key to attaining your dream -- getting some gorgeous meow-kitty centerfold to pay attention to you, and maybe even whisper sweet nothings in your ear -- stuff like, "Filler up, cutie-pie."