Spurner Phone

My boyfriend of nine years often doesn't reply to my texts and emails. He says that we talk daily, and whatever's in my message could be discussed then. Well, it hurts my feelings to get zero response. Not even an emoji.

--Increasingly Angry

Communicating with a man should not compare unfavorably with yelling into a manhole. (Shout "Hello?" into the sewer and you'll at least get the courtesy of a faint "hellooo" or two back.) An email to your boyfriend is not just an email. It's what marriage researchers John Gottman and Janice Driver call a "bid for connection" -- one of many small attempts people in relationships make to get their partner's attention, affection, or emotional support. In response, their partner could ignore the bid ("turn away"), express irritation ("turn against"), or reply lovingly ("turn toward") -- even just with a smile, a nod, or a hug. In Gottman and Driver's research, newlywed couples who had "turned toward" each other 86% of the time, on average, were still married six years later. The couples who ended up divorced had a 33% turn-toward rate. On a bleak note, Gottman writes, "I think that you can sometimes actually see people crumple physically when their partner has turned away from their bid for connection." Explain the "bid for connection" thing to your boyfriend. Tell him you're just looking for some tiny loving reply to your texts and emails -- even an emoji or two. He's human, so he might sometimes let a message slip by unanswered. But if he mostly responds, you'll mostly feel loved instead of "increasingly angry" that messaging him feels like grabbing a handful of words and hurling them into the void. (Of course, in space, no one can hear you scream, but here on Earth, the neighbors tend to call the cops 10 minutes into a blowout.) ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.