Six Degrees Of Penetration

I'm a senior in college, and the woman I recently started seeing is a sophomore. My buddies told me she has a "reputation," as in, she's hooked up with half the men's soccer team. She's beautiful and intelligent, and I don't understand why she has the low self-esteem to behave that way.

--Rethinking Our Relationship

Turn the tables, and imagine a guy who's hooked up with half the cheerleading squad. Your first thought: "Dude must have a huge..." (and correct me if I'm wrong) "...set of mommy issues." There's a pervasive stereotype (held by both men and women) that women who engage in casual sex have low self-esteem, explains evolutionary social psychologist Jaimie Arona Krems. The underlying assumption: Women who have casual sex don't really want it; they're just settling for it. However, Krems and her colleagues find that this insulting stereotype persists even when women are "explicitly described as choosing to have casual sex." The researchers surveyed participants (about their own self-esteem and their perception of others') using the generally accepted definition of self-esteem: "feeling good about oneself and having a solid sense of one's self-worth." The stereotype -- that women have casual sex because their self-worth is in the dumpster -- "appears to be unfounded." (Women's "sexual behavior was not significantly correlated with their self-esteem.") They speculate that the stereotype might stem from evolutionary "mismatch": our living in a modern world with a sometimes-outdated psychological operating system. The psychology guiding us today evolved back when locked knees were the only reliable birth control. It would've served ancestral women with high mate value -- those with their pick of men -- to hold out for commitment before having sex (and possibly offspring) with a man. Thus, we might have "default assumptions that women pursue casual sex only when committed sex is unavailable to them." (In simple terms, despite all the birth control technology of today, the dial of human psychology is still set to "slut shaming.") As for your situation, assuming the rumors aren't just "guy-perbole," maybe your girlfriend worked her way through the soccer boys not because she's a human broken toy but because she's hot, enjoys sex, and wanted some naked fun while looking for her Mr. Boyfriend. What does this say about her? Well, after the initial steamy phase of the relationship, the sort of animal she's most like in bed probably won't be shrink-wrapped supermarket salmon. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.