Sight For Thor Eyes

I'm a 35-year-old masculine gay man. I've had relationships with (masculine) gay men, but I'm often attracted to masculine straight men. I'm not looking to "turn" them, and I'm ready for a relationship, so I'm concerned that I'm so frequently attracted to men who won't be interested in me. What is this about? Do I need therapy?

--Worried Gay Guy

Like you, I happen to like men who look like their hobbies are chopping down trees and going to war with foreign powers. I am not attracted to femmy men in body glitter with My Little Pony haircuts. Luckily for me, the sort of people I am attracted to did not require me to come out to my parents ("Mom and Dad...I-I-I'm straight"), nor are my preferences considered reason for suspicion that I might be a self-loathing heterosexual. As for you, because of the ugly views and behaviors toward gays, sure, it's possible that your being attracted to straight men is some sort of internalized version of those camps for "praying away the gay." (If that seems to be a possibility, yes, you should look into that -- perhaps with a therapist's help.) But if you were really so self-loathing and in denial about being gay, wouldn't you just be sneaking glances at all the manly men on your way to marrying a woman and buying a house with a lot of closet space? Your being a manly man who's into boyfriends who wield power tools not intended for hairstyling might be explained by research on "assortative mating." This basically means "like mates with like" -- reflecting how we seem motivated to choose mates who are similar to us on various levels, from age to looks to race to personality. In the gay world, psychologist J. Michael Bailey's research finds that masculine gay men tend to prefer masculine partners (Conan the Barbarian versus Conan the Featherboa-tarian). Increased similarity between partners is associated with happier, longer-lasting relationships. This makes sense, considering that more similarity means more compatibility -- from shared beliefs to shared interests and activities. So, it's good news you're eyeing the manlier men, even if many are ultimately "for display purposes only." Of course, it is possible that you're telling yourself you want a relationship but picking people totally unavailable for one. (For straight women, this often involves a one-sided affair with a member of the British royal family.) If that isn't the case, why worry that your ideal relationship is basically a nature preserve for chest hair and testosterone? Just accept that it might take a little more effort to find a boyfriend for whom "contouring" is not skillful makeup application but helping you get the back of your head with the Weedwhacker before your welding group arrives.