Shrieking Beauty

Our neighborhood bar started having karaoke night on weekends, and my wife always wants to go and sing. I love her, and she's a great person, but she's an absolutely terrible singer, and I'm embarrassed for her (and a little for myself) every time she gets up there and belts one out. Does love mean being honest with your wife about her singing voice?

--Broken Eardrums

Your wife is one of the few karaoke singers who manages to surprise the audience -- making people turn around to see whether someone's singing "Blackbird" or being pecked to death by one. This actually isn't a bad thing. "Karaoke" is Japanese for "y'all better be drunk, because I'm trying my luck at Donna Summer." Great karaoke isn't about doing it right; it's about doing it proud. So you show your love for your wife by whooping up the audience -- clapping and cheering as she misses all the high notes (singing from the heart but with the vocal stylings of a diseased spleen). While you're at it, consider yourself lucky. People with a healthy sense of confidence make the best relationship partners -- if somewhat costlier ones, like when you need to get your house professionally soundproofed so the neighbors will stop reporting you for animal cruelty. Interestingly, the satanic rituals involving a flock of chickens and a nail gun always seem to take place when your wife is in the shower.