See Monster

Months of quarantine have made FaceTime first dates the new thing. I've been chatting with a few guys on dating apps, and some of them have asked to schedule FaceTimes. Many of my friends have done it, but it still feels weird to me. Though my photos are right in my dating profile, talking with someone over video feels too revealing and not in a good way. Should I try it anyway, or should I wait until it's safe to meet in person?

--Resting Shy Face

When people advise that you shouldn't reveal too much on the first date, I think they're talking about your areolas. There's a lot of important information you're missing when you're communicating without seeing someone's facial expressions. Zoologist Irenaus Eibl-Eibesfeldt, who studied human animals in addition to the kind with paws and tails, explained emotional expressions as "the grammar of social interaction." Facial expressions (as well as body language) give us a nuanced understanding of other people's feelings and intentions in the way punctuation marks shape how we understand a set of words (for example, "Want to eat, Grandma?" versus "Want to eat Grandma?"). In fact, people will often say one thing with their words (like, "Really, I'm fine"), but to get the whole of what they're expressing, you need to add the "pictures": the emotions they're displaying. For example, social psychologist Dacher Keltner, who researches emotional expressiveness, observes that "when a colleague shows signs of anger -- with tightened lips, furrowed brow, and slightly raised upper eyelid -- I learn that he or she is frustrated, is appraising the current interaction as unfair, will likely act antagonistically, and may feel a sense of righteous indignation." Men, especially, have very visually driven sexuality, so if you won't FaceTime, you're probably at a disadvantage compared with women who will. Chances are your real fear is that a guy won't find you attractive. But if a guy's not that into your looks, a screen won't change that. Finding out where he stands as soon as possible could keep you from getting attached to somebody you'll ultimately have to pry yourself away from. On the the other hand, revealing more of yourself will make the right guy more interested. And yes, there are people who even get married without seeing each other's faces, but just in cultures where the marriage is conditioned on one's father giving the other's father 14 goats, five oxen, and a 1967 Subaru. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.