Plan Bae

I had this amazing chemistry with a guy I met at a wedding. Then he casually dropped that he's in a new relationship of about six months. A mutual friend told me the guy isn't too happy with the woman and feels he's "settling." The guy's been texting me in what seems to be a purely friendly way. Still, if I were his girlfriend, I'd be pretty upset.

--Confused About His Intentions

Say your car skids off the road in North Nowhere and you wake up trapped in the driver's seat with zero bars on your phone. You'd probably trade your house, your car, and your favorite grandma for some emergency eats in the glove box -- even the remains of a granola bar that looks to have been purchased just before the Lewis & Clark expedition. Well, humans seem to have evolved to be romantic doomsday preppers: ready for any sudden famine in the partner department. At the moment, you seem to fall into the category of "backup mate" for this guy, though maybe just because he's inconveniently still attached to somebody else. Evolutionary psychologists Joshua Duntley and David Buss find that both men and women cultivate backup mates -- "approximately three," on average -- whom we can use to rapidly replace our current long-term mate in case they die, dump us, or cheat, or their mate value takes a dive. Maintaining a romantic plan B cuts the time costs of having to start from scratch -- which could be the difference between, say, a man passing on his genes and passing on what could've been into an old tube sock. As disturbing (and, perhaps, dirtbaggy) as this partner reserve stock business might seem, Duntley and Buss report that even people in happy relationships seem motivated -- often subconsciously -- to maintain backup mates. (Not being quite aware of one's own motives keeps away the guilt that would likely accompany consciously collecting potential relief pitchers.) This guy you met might be figuring out whether to give notice in his current relationship, or, if that'll be in the pipeline, figuring out how. Consider the potential risks of texting with him: getting emotionally entwined with someone who might remain unavailable and suggesting you need to take whatever romantic scraps you're given. If you prefer to opt out of these risks, you could tell him you hope to hear from him again but that you're a woman with standards: "Call me when you've lost weight -- 125 pounds of excess girlfriend." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.