Pippi Bongstocking

I'm in recovery, and my best friend and I have sleepovers every few months. She's come over drunk and/or high on pot the past few times. It's not that it's triggering for me; she's just annoying and not herself when she's loaded. How do I ask her to not come over trashed?

--Sober

What does she do when she isn't visiting you -- attend Mass in a "Lucifer Rules!" T-shirt, pop by the animal rights march in a mink vest, and then park her ice cream truck outside the Jenny Craig meeting? Though you know what you need to tell her -- don't come over trashed -- you're probably being tripped up by something I wrote about recently: how women evolved to be the confrontation-avoiders of our species, probably to protect their ability to have and care for children. In 1990, developmental psychologist Eleanor Maccoby reviewed the research on sex differences in communication and found what researchers continue to see today: A major goal of girls' (and women's) speech is "to be 'nice' and sustain social relationships," while for males, "the agenda is more often the single one of self-assertion." Though being direct may not be natural for you, there are many things in our lives that aren't "natural": deodorant, motor vehicles, buying dinner at the supermarket instead of waiting behind a tree to club it with a rock. You're simply asking your friend to be appropriate to the situation. You could open with an air bag of sorts -- "I love you and love having you over" -- and then say, "But, from now on, please don't show up drunk or high for our sleepovers." Enduring a little discomfort in the moment should keep you from being commandeered into future "fun" drinking games like "Let's flip your cat over and do shots off her belly. I'll do vodka; you do water. Last one to lose an eye wins!"