Pimp My Rite

My boyfriend dumped me and moved out of our place. I'm on the lease and can't afford to break it, but it still feels like "our place," and that's making it hard to move on. My hippie friend said I should burn sage or light a candle and do a "letting go" meditation. Umm, okay. Can you please explain how rituals like this are bogus and unscientific so I can get her off my back?

--Annoyed

As I see it, lingering emotional distress like yours requires serious intervention -- like sacrificing a goat on the coffee table. (Possibly two, if one doesn't get 'er done.) Just kidding about the goats -- but only because you'd have to hire crime scene cleaners afterward, which could get seriously pricey. Research by Harvard Business School's Michael I. Norton, among others, actually finds that rituals -- symbolic activities we do with some goal in mind -- seem to help us feel better: less negative, less anxious, and more in control. Amazingly, this is even true for ritual-doers who don't believe in the rituals -- who think they're idiotic, embarrassing, and pointless. Annoyingly, researchers aren't quite sure why rituals have this effect on us. My guess is that we confuse the real with the symbolic. Research by cognitive neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga suggests our mind is a master spin doctor, creating stories about our behavior that make us look consistent, rational, and smart. And no sooner does it come up with those stories than it turns right around and believes them. In short, our mind is under the impression that we're not stupid -- that if we do something, we must have a good reason. In other words, your friend is on to something -- and you might use this to get her onto another thing: a ladder in your living room. I suggest a painting ritual -- painting over your old life (in stylin' new hues, of course) to transform the house you shared with your ex into a colorful new home of your own. Per the research on ritual, ceremony would be an essential part of this -- including explicitly calling what you're doing a "ritual" and saying a few words, the way you would at a funeral. Incorporate a ceremonial tearing-up of a photo of the two of you together, and have your friends chant, "Out, out, Steve! You are no longer welcome here!" Then have everybody accompany you to toss the pieces into the dumpster. Admittedly, this ritual will probably seem seriously silly while you're doing it, but you can just choose to buy into it and have a good time. While you're at it, give your friend some props. She was on the right track in helping you rid your home of the Ghost of Boyfriend Past -- despite suggesting burning a small bunch of cooking herbs when it probably seemed nothing short of arson would do the job. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.