Not A Good Lurk

My girlfriends and I have had this experience numerous times: A guy who's interested in one of us will suddenly stop texting us but then reappear a few months later liking our social media posts. This just happened to me. It's about three months since he vanished, and he's suddenly all up in my Instagram. Why do guys do this?

--Annoyed

You almost wish the guy would greet you honestly: "'Sup, Plan B?!" This guy might've initially been interested in you. However, chances are you eventually became what evolutionary psychologists like Joshua Duntley call a "backup mate" (basically the dating-and-mating version of a spare tire or the vice president). Duntley's work suggests humans evolved to identify and cultivate backup mates so we wouldn't be left high and dry for long if our main boo died or ran off with the hot neighbor. I know...so romantic. That said, it isn't wrong to have backup mates. Research by Duntley and his colleagues points to many or most of us having them, though we're often not aware of it. The thing is, this guy's disappearing and then sliding back into your life with likes on some of your Instagram posts, is a big red flag -- a big red sequined flag with cop flashers on top. Character is revealed in how people behave when they feel they have nothing to gain from someone. Maybe this guy got the hots for some other woman and the lukewarms for you. Or maybe he just got busy. Whatever the reason, it takes minimal effort to make a kind exit -- even saying, "I've got a lot going on right now, and I need to take a break from talking." When someone shows themselves to be a jerk, you may want to broom them out of even the edges of your life. This is clickably easy on Instagram, thanks to the block function. Blocking a guy like this should be a wise preemptive measure, considering his idea of good manners is probably prefacing the 2 a.m. "I'm horny!" text with a few likes on photos of your kitten in a tinfoil conspiracy hat. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.