No Girls Aloud

I'm a female comic, so being smart and funny and having a strong personality is basically my job, as well as who I am. A friend had me stop by his business meeting at a cafe so he could introduce me to his client he was hoping to set me up with. I tend to show off when I'm nervous (going big, loud, and funny), and I apparently terrified the guy. My friend scolded me, telling me it's a turnoff for men to have to compete with a woman. Come on! I'd be thrilled to have a partner who is smarter and funnier. Shouldn't men be like that, too?

--Bummed

As a powerful, confident woman, you can make a man feel like a real animal: a Chihuahua in a bee suit nervously peeking out of a little old lady's purse. Social science research finds that there's a bit of a chasm between what men think they want in a female partner and what they actually end up being comfortable with. For example, when social psychologist Lora E. Park surveyed male research participants, 86 percent said they'd feel comfortable dating female partners smarter than they are. They likewise said they'd go for a (hypothetical) woman who beat their scores in every category on an exam. However, when they were in a room with a woman who supposedly did, the men not only expressed less interest in her but moved their chairs away from her (as if they might catch something from her if they sat too close!). This seems pretty silly, until you look at some sex differences in the importance of social status. Sure, it's better for a woman to be the head cheerleader (as that plays out in junior high and beyond), but a woman isn't less of a woman if she isn't the alpha pompom-ette. Manhood, on the other hand, is "precarious," explain psychologists Jennifer Bosson and Joseph Vandello. It's achieved through men's actions but easily lost or yanked away -- like by being shown up publicly by a chick. The answer isn't to be someone else on a date (somebody dumber, with less personality). But maybe, seeing as some of the big-personality stuff comes out of fear, you could try something: Challenge yourself to be vulnerable. To listen. To connect with people instead of impress them. You should also seek out men who are big enough to not feel small around you -- men who are accomplished, as well as psychologically accomplished. These are men who've fixed whatever was broken in them or was just less than ideal. When a guy says "She took my breath away!" it should be a good thing, not a complaint about how he was nearly asphyxiated by your personality.