Make Vroom For Daddy

I'm a divorced woman in my 40s, and I just started dating again. I'm seriously tired of it already, after just two dates with two really disappointing guys. I want to cut to the picture in my head -- cuddling on the couch and watching Netflix with my new handsome beau. Meeting somebody shouldn't be this hard. I'm launching a new business, and my time seems better spent working than on some crappy date. But I also don't want to be alone forever.

--Annoyed

Your expectations about how easy it should be to find new love aren't just unrealistic; they're unrealistic by fairy-tale standards. It's "Someday, my prince will come," not "Get crowd control over here pronto for the mob of handsome, fabulous royals who will soon be gathering on my front lawn." Picturing yourself in the cuddly-wuddly life you feel you should already have may be part of the problem. Motivation researcher Gabriele Oettingen finds that fantasizing is often demotivating -- fooling our mind into believing that we already have the thing we're dreaming of. Oettingen's research makes a case for combining fantasizing with what I'd call "positive pessimism" -- making yourself consider all the things standing in the way of what you want. As Oettingen explains it, thinking concretely about the obstacles we have to overcome helps energize us to tackle them. The reality is, the older you get and the more you expect from a boyfriend the harder it will be to find one. So either buckle down and prepare for the dating grind or do what it takes to immediately have a life partner who will look at you with great adoration: Give your dog salami.