Mail Bonding

My girlfriends are all writing out their visions for a partner, as if they've met him already ("Thank you, universe, for bringing me this man..."). They claim they've gotten boyfriends because of it. Is this just New Age crap, or is there something to writing down what you want?

--Boyfriend-Seeking

This apparently is a thing, women writing a letter about the man of their dreams and then feeling like they ordered online from the universe: "My man's on his way. Just waiting for the tracking number!" Once they get a boyfriend, the belief that their letter writing made it happen comes out of a common cognitive bias -- a hiccup in rational thinking -- called the "illusion of control." This term, coined by psychologist Ellen Langer, describes people's tendency to believe they have control over outcomes that they obviously do not. An example of this is gamblers blowing on dice -- and not because the dice have complained bitterly that they are freezing to death and left their tiny square cardigans at home. Ironically, the fact that it's irrational to do this doesn't mean it's unhelpful. Research by psychologists Michael I. Norton and Francesca Gino finds that a ritual, a "symbolic activity" a person performs in hopes of making something happen, tends to increase their "feelings of control" over situations in which outcomes are uncertain. This, in turn, decreases the stress they feel. In other words, it's possible that the ceremonial act of writing a "Dear Santa" letter to the universe could make a woman more appealing to men by calming her down and getting her to act less crazy and desperate. It's like putting in an order at a restaurant. You have faith your dinner is coming; you don't stalk the waiter on Instagram and text him 30 times, alternating pictures of your boobs with plaintive questions and abuse: "Is the chef okay? ... Are you on a smoke break? ... I bet you gave my steak to a prettier girl. ... You're a terrible waiter. ... I hate you." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.