Love In The Paycheck Republic

I'm a 20-year-old girl with a big crush on my very cute boy co-worker. Day after day, week after week, I want to invite him out for drinks, but then I chicken out. I ask myself all the usual questions, like, "What if he says no, and work gets weird?" and, "What if he tells the boss, and then I get fired?"

--Procrastinating Endlessly

You'd be asking him to go for drinks, not asking him to straddle you in the staff restroom. Unless there's a policy forbidding co-workers from dating, asking this guy out should not lead to you and your job being forced to part company. Surely, you know that. Chances are your goal of asking the guy out is getting tangled up in your groping around for an excuse to avoid doing it. This is understandable. The prospect of failing at a goal -- especially a romantic goal -- is stressful, but there's a way to make failed efforts take less of a bite out of you. It turns out that in goal pursuit, there's safety in numbers -- in simultaneously pursuing a flock of goals rather than just one goal at a time. A single bird can get shot down, but it's hard to shoot down a whole flock at once unless your weapon of choice is an alien death ray. Consider replacing being goal-oriented with the broader approach: being goal systems-oriented. A goal is simply a result you're trying for -- a single result, like "get Joe Shelfstocker to go out with me." The singularity is the problem. If Joe turns you down, you've failed at your goal. Hard out. Goal systems are more forgiving. While a goal is a lone target -- win or lose, all or nothing -- a goal system, as explained by social psychologist Arie Kruglanski, is a network of "interconnected goals." A goal system would be, "Work toward having love in my life." This goal system would be the home of your goal of getting a date with the guy, but it would take up residence with a bunch of brother, sister, and cousin goals, such as: Work on building up confidence. Get a cuter haircut. Go out more. When you fail at a single goal, if it's simply one of many in your goal system, you've got cushioning. Your failure is just a momentary bummer within a world of to-dos, at least some of which you'll manage to pull off. Being goal-system-driven gives you the emotional air bag to go forward all "carpe diem!" -- "seize the day!" -- instead of downshifting to "cogit ergo spud": "I think I'll act like a potato" (um, loosely translated). ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.