Lip Bomb

I love my girlfriend but don't love how aggressive she is with her tongue when we kiss. I like softer kissing, but I think she thinks I won't find her "passionate" enough that way. She has big, beautiful lips, and she's intense, and I don't need her tongue down my throat to feel connected. How do I navigate this difference in styles?

--Uncomfortable

It's great to have your girlfriend's kisses kick off a fantasy in your head, but not that you're playing spin the bottle with a camel. Unfortunately, there's really no such thing as "constructive criticism." As I explain in "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," "Criticizing people doesn't make them change; it makes them want to clobber you." That's because we're living in modern times with an antique psychological operating system. A verbal attack sets off pretty much the same biochemical alarm as a guy in a loincloth and face paint coming after you with a bloody spear. The good news is that turning criticism into opinion often makes all the difference in getting it heard. In this case, this simply involves telling your girlfriend how you like to be kissed -- and then (fun!) showing her. It's great to have a woman who takes your breath away -- but not because she's trying to give you a laryngectomy with her tongue.