Life In The Fastened Lane

I've been with my boyfriend for a year, and I love him, but I also love my independence. I need alone time, meaning space from him and everybody. He wants to spend every minute together and seems to need constant closeness to feel okay. Is this a bad sign -- on his part or mine? Should I want to spend every second with him?

--Confused

The sort of relationship where the partners are never apart tends to be a good thing for only one of them: the tapeworm. Chances are your boyfriend's preference for a more, uh, conjoined style of romantic partnership is shaped by his "attachment style." "Attachment" is British psychiatrist John Bowlby's term for a person's habitual way of relating in close relationships: for example, securely (feeling they can generally count on others to be there for them) or insecurely (suspecting others will bolt on them at any moment). Our expectations for how we'll be treated by romantic partners appear to be driven by how we, as infants and tots, were treated by our closest caregivers. For example, if infant us shrieked out of fear or hunger or because of a soggy diaper, did our primary caregiver (usually Mommy, but maybe Daddy) reliably come running to soothe us and fix the problem? If so, we'd be likely to develop the psychological orientation that psychologist Mary Ainsworth, building on Bowlby's work, called a "secure base from which to explore." If, however, our shrieks were ignored or only sometimes met with comforting, we'd likely end up "insecurely attached," and this would become a template for how we act in our adult relationships. (Hello, fear of abandonment and boyfriend whose romantic role model seems to be "court-ordered electronic ankle monitor"!) Decide what independence means to you in practical terms, like how much alone time you need and anything else that's important for you, and tell him. Research suggests a person can change their attachment style -- become more secure -- but it takes a good bit of work on their part and their partner's (through frequent reassuring attention and cuddly touch to challenge their expectation of abandonment). Are you and he willing to invest the effort? If not, you probably have to swap him out for a partner who's more emotionally together: "I need you because I love you" (not "because I feel like a gaping human void without you"). ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.