Legally Bland

My boyfriend is best friends with another girl. He told me they tried dating years ago, but nothing came of it, and they really are just friends. She's been very welcoming to me, but I'm still uneasy that he's so close with a woman he once dated. I can't help but wonder whether the bit about straight men not being able to be friends with women is true.

--Nervous

Picture the city dump. Sexually, to your boyfriend, this woman might as well be an old tire, a single dingy couch cushion (whereabouts of rest of dingy couch unknown), or a phone book from Buttcrack, Montana, circa 1982. In fact, there's a chance he was never very attracted to her. Generally speaking, men are a lot less likely than women to turn down a possibility for having sex. Also, before he got naked with her, the prospect of having sex with her was what neuroscience researchers call a "novel reward" -- a term for feelgood stuff we have yet to experience. Excitement over the new might even be mistaken for the excitement of really being attracted to somebody, because novelty causes a surge in dopamine, the neurochemical that energizes us to pursue new and rewarding things. The problem is "reward prediction errors," neuroscientist Wolfram Schultz's term for the difference between how great we think a new thing will be and how kinda-sorta okay it ends up being. When reality falls short of our expectations -- when somebody turns out to be sexy like used gruel -- dopamine goes into sag mode. This is effectively a neurochemical energy embargo -- a crash diet on the motivation juice needed to drive any further pursuit of whatever we found bummerific. You might find it reassuring to ask your boyfriend why it didn't work between them and pry a little bit into how attracted he was to her. This could tell you that you have something to worry about, but at least you'd know. Sure, straight men and women can have trouble remaining just friends if they have any sort of hots for each other. However, a straight man who is sexually bored with a woman is one you can probably trust just fine to be in her presence. Even if she's naked, with head-to-toe body glitter, performing the (Lap) Dance of the Seven Veils. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.