Last Tango In Suburban Living Room

I'm staying at a friend's house while on a business trip. She and I talk frequently, but since I moved away, we have not had any quality time. We'd both looked forward to hanging out and catching up, but her boyfriend of six months has been here every night. I like him well enough, but the worst, the absolute worst, is the extreme PDA. They share long, passionate kisses and lie on top of each other and make out while we're all watching TV. I want to say something, but what?

--Grossed-Out Girl

How nice to have time to catch up with your friend -- to learn how her job's going, what's happening with her family, the kind of faces she makes while being dry-humped. When you're a houseguest, the things you should be expected to bring are wine and maybe a box of fancy soaps, not earplugs and a blindfold. As welcome as they're making you feel, it must be tempting to go passive-aggressive when they're getting it on: "Mind if I tweet this?" Or "Should I move over? I don't want to be sitting on third base." But, your best bet for shutting down the heavy petting zoo is evoking sympathy, not defensiveness. Do that by telling your friend that you feel bad -- like you're interrupting something -- and that it's no problem for you to stay at a motel. Sure, there may still be live sex acts there, but they'll be separated from you by a wall and some innocuous framed print. You'll hear everything, but in the morning, you'll leave with the image of an adequately painted lighthouse forever burned into your brain.