Knight Lite

I’m 32, independent, accomplished, in shape, and considered pretty. I’d love to find a boyfriend, but I don’t NEED a boyfriend. A friend set me up with this guy -- brilliant, sexy, successful, and athletic (a former Big Ten college quarterback). We had a really fun, romantic date, and he said he'd call, but never did. Months later, he spotted me at a restaurant and sat down. We again had an amazing time, and obvious chemistry, and he again promised he’d call. Nope, just more accidental lunch dates! Worrying it was turning irreversibly platonic, I e-mailed him, “Why don't you ask me on a real date, and we can kiss at the end?” He replied that I had “courage” to say that, but he couldn’t get involved because he was afraid of getting hurt after his last relationship, and “who knows, maybe [he’s] gay.” “Maybe I’m gay” as a substitute for calling?! What gives?

--Led Balloon

Just when you least expect it, a man’s man turns out to be a bunny’s bunny. It’s like watching Clint Eastwood, all “Go ahead, make my day,” suddenly holster his piece, pull out a ball of yarn, plop down cross-legged, and start crocheting a potholder. You don’t sound like the kind of girl who sits by the unrung phone speculating whether the guy’s in a coma, or…maybe, instead of raining cats and dogs, it rained farm implements, and a large scythe fell from the sky, severing his fingers and rendering him incapable of dialing. Assuming you aren’t reading “fun,” “romantic,” and “obvious chemistry” into a failure by your date to chisel out of the men’s room to freedom, it’s understandable you expected him to call. Understandable, but unwise. Should you ever believe it when some date says he’ll call? Sure -- just wait until the phone rings and he’s on the other end. Until then, consider “I’ll call you” spoken-word parsley: conversational garnish meant to be discarded along with the fingertip you find in your mashed potatoes. Remember, it’s a lot easier to say than “You know, I’m kind of a toxic fellow, who really should blow you off after date one. But, chances are, I’ll lead you on for six months, giving you the impression I’m a viable candidate for a relationship, and, in the process, tear your ego into small pieces and feed it to the pigeons.” Guys like this are to strong women what Attila and the Huns were to Western Europe. They don’t have what it takes to put out emotionally, but they camouflage it the best they can -- stringing you along and pulling away at the same time. Dalma Heyn writes about them in Drama Kings: The Men Who Drive Strong Women Crazy. What makes a “Drama King” seem attractive, Heyn says, is also what makes him poison: “…[H]is boyish charm is really arrested development…his refreshing laid-backness a lack of feeling and an inability to connect,” and his manly man front an “impenetrable wall.” And you’ll never guess who’s been cast as Humpty Dumpty. The next time you come up against some quarterback who can’t make a pass, avoid any temptation to pull your girlfriends out of the workplace for long, teary afternoons of man-analysis. Not only is it a waste of time, if enough women do this, it could lead to a downturn in the GNP. Why a guy didn’t call isn’t the point. It’s recognizing that he didn’t. Repeatedly. Heartlessly. And reminding yourself that a woman who isn’t desperate for “You complete me” isn’t doing herself any favors chasing after “You deplete me” on all fours.