Keepin' It Revealed

I'm a 32-year-old woman, dating again after a five-year relationship. I've got some issues I'm working on. (I can get a little needy.) I'm getting all kinds of advice, from "be you!" to "play hard to get!" I guess acting unavailable works, but shouldn't somebody like me for me, not because I'm out of reach?

--Sincere

At fancy supermarkets, they try to sell you smoked salmon with a tiny sample on a cracker; they don't slap you across the face with a giant fish: "LOVE MEEEEEE!" In dating, there's being a bit scarce, and there's being somebody else. Scarce is good when you're getting to know a person, leaving them wanting more as opposed to less. Somebody else? Not so good. What does it mean to "be yourself"? It basically means not being emotionally manicured, being "authentic." Clinical psychologist Lawrence Josephs and his colleagues explain romantic "authenticity" as a willingness to risk being emotionally vulnerable and a companion unwillingness to "act deceitfully" even when being honest comes with some costs. They, not surprisingly, find that being authentic in these ways leads to "better relational outcomes." If you aren't yourself, somebody might be attracted to your fake front and then be bummed out and not really into you when it eventually falls off. Additionally, the researchers' findings "suggest that individuals engaging in 'being yourself' dating behavior are generally preferred as dating partners over more game-playing individuals." In fact, they find that men who are authentic seem to have a "special antipathy" toward "more game-playing" women. But let's say there are some things about you that are authentically not so great. Like, say you're "a little needy." You can tell somebody you tend to be needy. That's kind of brave and may lead somebody to admire your honesty. Of course, you should also get cracking on becoming more secure. (You might also tell a potential partner that you're working on it, which emotionally healthy partners are likely to respect and admire.) The important thing is doing what it takes to not act all needypants, like by using diversionary tactics -- say, by repeatedly texting your BFF when you're dying to text some new guy. Her phone goes off in a meeting. Her boss: "Why does some woman keep sending you pix of her boobs?" ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.