It's Not You. It's Meh.

In the first few weeks of seeing this new guy, I was really into him and wanted to spend all my time with him. We've now been together for three months. For the first time for me in a relationship, I'm okay with being apart from a boyfriend. (Normally, I get insecure and upset.) Maybe this is good, but it worries me. If you don't really miss someone when you aren't together, does that mean you don't love them?

--Concerned

There's an old Billy Joel love song, "I need you in my house because you're my home" -- not, "I could take you or leave you because you're the shed out back." It's possible you mistook the initial excitement of the relationship for having the hots for this guy, in bed and as a person. Elevated dopamine plays a role in this. It's a neurotransmitter -- a chemical messenger -- that drives wanting and seeking. Neuroscientist Wolfram Schultz finds that "unpredictable rewards" -- seemingly rewarding things we have yet to experience -- may be even three or four times as exciting (that is, dopamine-elevating) as those we're used to. However, expecting something to be exciting and having it fall short, failing to match our prediction, causes dopamine levels to sag. We experience less wanting and have diminished motivation to pursue it -- in other words, the neurochemical expression of "meh." Give a hard look at whether this guy hits the marks for you. At the same time, consider whether you missed past boyfriends more because there was something missing in you. (When you develop emotional security, you're able to be alone without feeling alone.) If you decide he's worth keeping, remember that romantic partners need to feel loved, even if you don't need them desperately. You'll be doing the nice thing if you text the occasional, "I really miss you!" as opposed to the perhaps more honest: "I assume you're alive. Still on for dinner this Thursday?" ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.