Indifferent Strokes

My father just got diagnosed with cancer. Most people have been extremely supportive, but two girlfriends I texted about this haven't responded at all. Is it really that hard to say "I'm so sorry"? Should I use this opportunity to do a little friend house cleaning and demote certain "friends" to acquaintance status, knowing now that I can't count on them?

--Too Harsh?

At least when you yell into the Grand Canyon, you get back more than the blinking cursor of nothingness. Ideally, your friends' responsiveness should not compare unfavorably to a giant hole -- especially not when you're all "Yoohoo...I'm kinda devastated about my dad!" But before you decide to "demote" friends, there are a couple of things to consider: "evolutionary mismatch" and our reliance on technology to get messages across flawlessly. Evolutionary mismatch, a theory originated by evolutionary biologist Ernst Mayr, refers to how we modern humans are driven by an antique psychological operating system largely calibrated for the world of our human ancestors 2 1/2 million to 10,000 years ago. This means, for example, that important triggers for others to take action that were there in the ancestral environment aren't always present in our modern one. Take expressions of sadness: Bodily expressions of sadness like tears or having all the spring in your step of a curbside couch are basically street corner sign spinners advertising our psychological state. When people see those behaviors, feelings of empathy automatically arise, motivating them to reach out with a hug or, at the very least, a mumbled kind word. Expressions of sadness via smartphone text -- in words on a tiny screen -- lack the visual elements, the bodily signals, that evolved to trigger empathy. Also consider that many people think not knowing what to say is reason to say nothing. What they don't realize is that saying nothing in a crisis is usually a bigger blunder -- more hurtful -- than saying the wrong thing would ever be. It's also possible they missed your text. We rely on technology to keep us informed, and we forget how busy we are and that texts sometimes don't go through or somebody hits their phone funny and a new text turns into an already read one (meaning the notification dot goes away). This sounds like an excuse, and it may not be what happened. However, it's possible. So it probably pays to check -- ask, "Hey, did you see the text about my dad?" and keep the snarky ending silent: "...or do I need to tweet an orange tabby cat in scrubs giving a man chemotherapy?" ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.